epsiode 7

P.W.M (Perfect wife material)

I was in a pub talking to a friend of a friend. A guy I didn’t know who was very luckily on the receiving end of my life story. He seemed very sympathetic when I told him I’d recently returned from Singapore, and blah, blah, blah. And I wasn’t moaning, I was being strong and trying to put an amusing spin on it, (I bet he’s walking round the flat in my knickers). Oh how we laughed.
He somehow got onto the subject of my domesticity.
‘I don’t cook,’ I explained, and he looked at me disapprovingly.
‘And I don’t shop either.’
‘My God, how amazing, a woman who doesn’t shop.’
‘Oh no,’ I explained, ’I meant I don’t do supermarkets.’
‘Oh,’ he replied. ‘So do you clean?’
‘Only if I have to.‘
‘No wonder your boyfriend dumped you,’ he said. ‘If you carry on like that you’ll end up with a lesbian with stubble.’
We didn’t laugh quite so much this time.
Just to point out, it wasn’t the fact that he said I would end up with a lesbian that offended me, (or the stubble), it was the implication that I wasn’t good enough for a man.
I’m trying to figure it out, it’s the twenty-first century, nearly every woman works, so everyone needs to do everything right? My ex used to cook, the supermarket used to deliver, the cleaner cleaned and I just organized/ordered. Isn’t that good enough? I know that we’re not all lucky enough to have such help, for example at the moment I have none of it. I clean, I shop and I eat salads. I also want to point out that the reason I don’t cook isn’t because I’m taking a stand against traditional female roles, it’s because I simply don’t enjoy it. So, through lack of experience, my cooking is still not up to scratch and if a way to a man’s heart is really through his stomach then we’ll be dining out. A lot.
But the point is that do guys still expect women to fulfill traditional roles? What now constitutes PWM?
I was slightly cheered by a conversation with my ex saying that since I’d left the cleaner didn’t seem to clean anymore although she still got paid (he was too scared to confront her). I asked if there was food in the house, and he said that no, but when I lived there I always seemed to spend a fortune having stuff delivered but there was still never anything to eat. Was that why we split up I asked? And he laughed and said no, he lost quite a bit of weight and became more attractive to other women because of me. I think he might have been joking.
If I changed myself and became a domestic Goddess would I be flooded with offers? It’s certainly not my intention to attract a man by being something I’m not, and then having to spend the rest of my life darning socks and pretending to love it.

I read an article the other day about the cons of marrying a career woman. And all I thought was well if marrying a career woman is inadvisable what are women going to do? All quit their jobs, buy aprons and stand in the street saying ‘I bake, I fluff cushions, come and get me.’? Of course we’d also have to live in the street having no way of paying the rent or the mortgage. I suppose at least the men wouldn’t have too much trouble finding us.
Or, do we make it clear that we are willing to give up work for marriage, or if not give up work, never put it before the needs of our men. Do we wear T-shirts in the office ensuring we’ll never get a promotion, or even asking for the sack? And on practical level, when bills need paying, whether a career woman makes a bad wife is irrelevant. It bloody well should be irrelevant.
Oh goodness, am I ranting too much? Should I organise a march? Or just have a lie down?

Instead, why don’t we women retaliate by setting out what makes PHM?
Good-looking, funny, well endowed, works hard, never complains, gives great massages, cooks or at least shares household chores and is supportive of his partner’s career, oh and private jet preferable although not essential.
You would never find an article debating the pros and cons of marrying a career man would you?
I guess what I’m saying is that I am not going to be able to mould myself into the perfect housewife. I don’t sew, but I make a great martini. Marriage and love are something separate to cooking and cleaning. Anyone can learn to cook if they want to, but the romantics say you don’t learn to fall in love. It just happens.
Alas, there it is. Perhaps if I changed I would be living in the suburbs right now, spraying my roses and plumping cushions. But I would rather be working at a job I love, living in London, and ordering Sushi deliveries. Really, and truly I would.

The other night I saw that guy again at a party. I was all dressed up, and at first he didn’t recognise me. When we were re-introduced I reminded him of our previous conversation
‘You’re looking quite hot,’ he said. ‘Now I reckon you could get a lesbian without stubble.’
You see, there’s always hope.

Next week: The teenage diaries