epsiode 26

The smug singleton

When Bridget Jones spoke of 'smug marrieds' it struck a chord and has subsequently become a widely used phrase. Although technically I wasn't married, I sometimes wonder if I was a tad smug without meaning to be. You know the thing, whenever you talk you say 'we' instead of 'me', although I don't think I was. Oh ye Gods, I really hope I wasn't but you just never know.
When my relationship broke down some of my supposedly closest friends surprised me with their behaviour. One acted as if becoming single was as contagious as the flu and basically kept away. We'd known each other for years, but although she was sympathetic on the phone she was far too busy with her boyfriend and other couples to see me. In fact she once said, to me that I was now the only single person she knew. Bitch. Although her boyfriend is a tosser so there is some justice.
Another invited me out to console me and then while I was mid flow of misery leant over the table to snog her husband. This wasn't just once but all night. I couldn't have felt more single at that point if I'd tried. She would say, 'just a minute,' while I was talking. Honestly with friends like these…
Oh and one of my friends invited me, in the midst of my heartbreak, to attend a wedding exhibition. Anyway, I'm not going to go on and on, but you get my drift.
Everyone moans about their relationship from time to time, I know I did, but when I first became single, I have to say a fair few of my friends suddenly had perfect relationships and they ensured that I knew that. Of course there were the more sensitive ones who managed to be normal around me, and I will be forever grateful to them. They didn't big up their relationships; neither did they avoid talking about them altogether. It's funny but when my relationship broke up a lot of my friendships changed, however, luckily the good ones didn't and in that respect I was very lucky.
I experienced something similar when my father passed away. People behaved one of three ways. I was ignored, you know treated as if I had the plague, some people would talk to me about anything but what had happened, and some would treat me normally. I do find this interesting about people, every major event in our lives seems to either bring people closer together or push them further apart.
Anyway, back to the subject at hand. This week I have been the lucky recipient of some good, old fashioned honesty. Instead of asking me when I was going to have another relationship, or if I missed having one, or if I should perhaps be less fussy when it came to men, I was given the prize position of being the envied singleton. It didn't come with a trophy although I am tempted to get one made up.
One of my friends said how lucky I was to be dating different men (perhaps she doesn't really read my column, although she says she does). And pointed out that it could be a depressing thought to know you were only going to have sex with one man for the rest of your life, no matter how much you loved them. I tried to reassure her that at least not only did she have it on tap, but she knew what to expect. I'm not sure that helped or not. Especially when she told me that the tap happened to be faulty right now. And no, a washer wouldn't help.
Another of my friends told me I was lucky to be single because it was so hard living with a man. Her husband was messy, didn't know how to use the washing machine or even work the washing bin. She was tired of arguing about it and felt that she was turning into a nag. I tried to be positive and told her that yes it was frustrating but living with anyone was hard work, sharing a flat with anyone could be frustrating and I tried to say that despite it being annoying, it wasn't hugely important in the scheme of things. Not sure that she believed me, but I meant it. There are far more important issues in a relationship, I think.
My ex was pretty messy. When he got home from work he would start undressing as soon as he got in the front door leaving a trail of clothes from there to the sofa where he would sit in his boxer shorts and shirt. I would have to sit on my hands while trying not to let my peripheral vision see the socks (always off first), the jacket, and the trousers making a slightly crooked path from door to sofa. Of course in the end I would always pick them up because he wouldn't and I was too embarrassed to leave them for the cleaner. I guess one of the positive things in my new role as smug single is that I only have to clean up after myself.
I spoke to another friend who had a baby barely a month ago and who I thought she would be in a state of new mother bliss. But no, she said that I didn't know how lucky I was. Not only did I not have leaky nipples but she had to get her sister to come and stay with her because her husband had proved himself worse than useless since the baby had been born. I was really concerned it might be serious but she said she was too tired to think about kicking him out. She still loved him but was frustrated.
No relationship is perfect, I'm pretty sure. We all have to compromise when we let someone else into our lives to such a great extent. Now I can barely remember how I did it, with the ex, living as I do with only myself to worry about. I'm not saying it's a good thing. It's just what it is. I also sometimes wonder how honest I was about my relationship. Yes, I loved him and I am not going to belittle ten years of my life by saying otherwise, I might detest him now but not then. And on the whole we did have a good relationship. But that is all in the past.
I think what I am trying to say is that despite the fact some of my friends are having a hard time with their relationships, I am not going to become a smug singleton. I'm pretty happy right now, but if someone I liked came along I would be happier, I'm sure. I am not going to settle but neither am I going to laugh at my coupled up friends and say that at least I don't have to worry about that. Because I remember how awful those 'smug marrieds' could be and how small they made me feel, so despite the fact that for once my single status is being celebrated by some, I will not let it go to my head. Oh no. Being single can be hard for many, relationships can be hard and until someone invents the perfect solution, I know that I would rather be in a good relationship than be on my own. But I would rather be on my own than in a bad relationship.
And I would certainly rather be on my own than to be back in the final stage of my last relationship. I could live with the trail of clothes, I could live with the messiness, it's annoying but as I said to my friend, not the end of the world. But I will never live with the lies again, and I will never live with someone who tries to make me feel as if I'm not good enough. So there's the thing. I'm no more a smug single than I want to be a smug married, but I might just be becoming a little bit smug as I realise that finally I am getting clearer and clearer about what I do and do not want.