epsiode 26

Why Men don't call

I could possibly devote the rest of my life to unanswered questions about men. For example, after my move to Brighton I had to give up my lesbian gym and join a unisex one. There I was, on one of those leg machines and all I could hear next door to me was, 'grunt, uggh, grunt.' I snuck a look which nearly led to me losing a leg, and there was this guy with too many muscles and a really small head, making all these obscene noises. It was so off-putting. And when he'd finished the grunting (I tell you, you wouldn't want to have sex with these muscle men, not without ear plugs anyway), I heard an almighty crash which scared me half to death and I nearly lost my other leg. So they load up the weights, struggle to lift them while making horrible, ugly noises and then they can't hold them anymore and they crash down making the gym and me shake. I just don't understand.
I know that you men out there might want to defend yourself against the following accusations, but I would like to stress that I am talking about my experiences and my friends' here, and obviously would not be so silly as to try to generalise (yeah right). So, today's burning question that I would like a government grant to undertake a scientific study on (well it's not as silly as some of them) is this: why can't men call?
The art of conversation is officially dying. We can blame technology, because after all, if there wasn't the option of emailing someone or texting them then you'd have to call. However, my girlfriends and I talk on the phone all the time. We use email and text but as a compliment to chatting, not a substitute. And I even have a male friend who calls me, but then he's a bit older and not very good at texting, so I think that explains him. I tried to remember when I had had a date arranged via a telephone call. You know what, it was 1995.
Take very cute drummer boy who I met at a party, was fun, a bit naughty and covered in tattoos. He asked for my phone number and in fairness he did use it. He texted me, saying hi. I responded. He texted me asking what I was doing, I said I was at home and asked him what he was doing. He texted me that he was chillin' having had a busy day. I texted him asking him what he'd been doing. He texted me saying that he'd been working, drumming and was a bit tired. I texted him saying…. You get the picture. In the end I got so bored of listening to my phone beep that I asked him if he wanted to get together. He said yes and finally we arranged a date, but only after I'd taken control. This took time, when a simple phone conversation could have settled it in a matter of minutes. You see, calling is more efficient.
A friend of mine says that she normally arranges her dates by email, and text and she wouldn't know what to do anymore if a guy called.
'I'd probably faint or something.' I kind of know how she feels.
Early in this column's life I wrote 'what's your point caller.' About a guy who actually did call me but we never managed to make the date. I have finally figured him out, he was a calling tease. One of a dying breed of men who actually knew how to dial and speak but was only doing it to taunt the poor innocent women on the receiving end. This doesn't make him any better and perhaps he's worse than the non-dialing men.
Another friend of mine, when I posed the question sent me this response:
'Most men believe they are intensely desirable and the internet is feeding their confidence. We must slash it down where we can.' Right, so guys, you've been warned. We women are going to do battle with your egos, or at least my friend is. She's developed a standard response to any guy who emails or texts her regarding dating. She replies;
'I can do lunch Saturday week, 2pm at the Ivy.' Apparently it works for her.

Are we being too harsh on men? Do they no longer call because the fear of rejection is less if you text or email? But that I don't understand because if you give a guy your phone number that indicates that you're interested and if after seeing them you're not anymore, at least if they call you will politely let them know, right? Remember Text Pest? He's still sending me texts that I don't answer because I don't know what to say. If he'd phoned me then I would have made my excuse and he wouldn't be sending me wasted texts nearly a year after I went on a date with him. Yeah, I know, it's more than a bit weird. Perhaps we should move on.
So, I asked around for reasons why men don't call. One view offered was that they are lazy, (I blame the mothers). They would call if they had no alternative but given easier options they take them. Another said it was that they were scared, which is fair enough in a way, but your fear is only adding to our fear and in the end the human race will be in jeopardy because of telecommunications, and the technology age. Another friend told me that after a month her guy started calling her, so there was hope, although they'd dated for four weeks before he even dialed her number. A male friend said he thought women would think he was weird if he did call. You just can't win, it seems.
So, I went on my text arranged date. We had a fun evening and he really was cute. I was going away the following week and he said he'd call. The common dating sentence, 'I'll give you a call,' can now be interpreted in many different ways.
a) I'm never going to contact you again
b) I'll send you a text
c) I'll email you

The following week as my phone beeped, I discovered that he had taken option b.
So, why don't I just phone him? I don't know but his inability to call made me feel weird about dialing myself. One of my very proactive friends told me that the problem was that we women were reacting to the men, and what we should be doing is setting precedents. She says when a guy texts her she calls him. Which I think might be a good policy to adopt, and henceforth if a guy texts me asking me out I shall call him. Of course, she says, once he's answered the phone you can't guarantee that he's actually able to have a conversation. Of course you can't.

I think a man might call me if he was on fire, and didn't have time to text. But apart from that I am beginning to think that I will never be called by a romantic prospect again. Not unless we start a pro-dialing campaign. I can see the ads now: Real Men Call.
In the meantime, I am willing to give you guys a chance to defend yourselves. But please, if you do, can you do it by phone?