epsiode 27

Warning: Smirting is bad for your health

Having a low attention span, I decided that smirting wasn't for me. However, it seemed that it was for lots of other people. Friends were sending me reports of smirting from all around. Some were accompanied by photos. And, anyway I had decided that I was definitely going to give up smoking; I'd cut down, I was going to give up. Really I was.
I was in Brighton with friends, going out for the night. However said evening got off to a bad start. First we went to a comedy club, where we took our seats, ordered wine and waited for the comedian to make us laugh.
At first he did a bit, but as the evening wore on and the wine diminished, his jokes became less and less funny. I'm normally the type of person who would do anything not to draw the comedian's attention to myself. But when he decided to joke about rape, something took over and I objected. In fact after telling him the joke just wasn't funny I also said, 'your intelligence is better suited to the Big Brother house than here.' The room went quiet, everyone, including myself looked around to see who had challenged him, before I realised, it was me. After him saying something back to me and the rest of the room laughing at our exchange I became even angrier. Luckily we left before it descended into a punch up. I was in a bit of a dangerous mood now, which can, (and nearly always does), spell trouble.
As soon as we got outside I lit a cigarette and we made our way to another bar. We sat outside, it wasn't a hot evening but at least it wasn't raining as we ordered more wine. Technically, as I was sitting outside I didn't need to smirt, but there was part of me who didn't seem to realise this.
Two guys came and sat down next to us. One of them asked me for a light. Here, was a new thing, was I being smirted with? It seemed so. He told me they were just visiting and asked us where they should go to get something to eat. My friends and I recommended somewhere and they asked if we would like to join them. It was kind of like speed smirting. We'd already eaten and were devoted to our wine so we passed. He tried to take my number so we could meet up later but as we'd only just met them we palmed them off by saying we would probably stay put. They tried to persuade us but in the end they gave up and left. I was feeling slighty smug because I'd been smirted with, which in turn meant that I suddenly became a devotee. A bit of an enthusiastic one at that.
There were lots of people coming out to smoke and going back in. I took it upon myself to talk to nearly all of them. I somehow managed to smirt with so many smokers that if it'd been an Olympic sport, I would have definitely got a medal. The mad thing was that I wasn't even considering if I fancied any of these guys, and I certainly didn't intend on doing anything but smoke and chat, but it was as if I was on a mission. Albeit a completely pointless one. I was smirting with every male smoker in my vicinity. Even when I wasn't actually smoking. In fact I was becoming a bit of a smirting slut.
After a while a group of four guys came and sat next to us and of course they all bought out their packets of cigarettes. They took out a camera and started taking photos and being nice, I offered to take a photo of all of them. That was it. I was soon smirting away with these guys. I introduced them to everyone and thought what a wonderful time we were all having. In my defence, I was actually really drunk and not of sound mind.
Man one was telling us how he'd been clean from crack for about six months now and how well he was doing. Apparently prison brought him to his senses. Man two had met him in prison and had been involved in armed robbery; however as we all held on tight to our handbags he said he never targeted women.
'You look familiar, have I seen you on Crimewatch?' My friend asked man two.
'Yeah, probably,' he replied.
Man three and man four kept quiet, in fact a bit too quiet. Although I suddenly noticed how one didn't have many teeth. So at the behest of my friends, we decided to politely (and rapidly) leave.
Of course I had to spend the entire walk to the next bar apologising.
'How on earth was I supposed to know that they were dodgy?' I asked.
'Did you see what they looked like?' one friend answered, tetchily.
'The armed robber looked like an armed robber, and they all looked like they took drugs.'
'But he said he was clean, and the other two might have been alright.'
'Faith, the other two kept disappearing to the loo and I don't think it was to reapply their make-up.' I admitted defeat and apologised all over again, although I insisted that they seemed like really nice guys. For prisoners that is.
I had to give myself a talking to. I had taken smirting to a whole new (and slightly obsessive level). Just because the first guy had asked for my number, I got a bit too enthusiastic, and far too drunk. The following day my friends saw the funny side and were teasing me about my armed robber, and all the other men.
'She smirted here, she smirted there, she smirted bloody everywhere.' They refused to stop laughing. I took it all with good grace. But you know what, that was definitely the end of my smoking days. I was definitely giving up, and with smoking I was giving up smirting. Because those health warnings on cigarette packets are right, smoking is bad for your health, but they need to add another one because smirting isn't all that healthy either.

Next Week: The swimming pull