epsiode 27

What on earth is Smirting?

I was discussing the new smoking ban with a friend of mine who lives mainly in New York. With its imminent arrival in England, I could think only of three options for smokers.
1. Quit.
2. Resign yourself to either staying in and filling your house with smoke, or standing outside in the lovely English weather either getting hypothermia or feeling like a sponge.
3. Move to China where they won't ban smoking, (or at least I think they won't).
I wavered slightly; being a bit of a social smoker myself I would miss a night in the pub, chain-drinking and chain-smoking. However I didn't like the idea of shivering or learning Chinese, so I chose the first option. After all it was a filthy habit and a new clean, smoke free Faith, was something I had been putting off.
Anyway, back to my friend. I told her that I was preparing to quit; a look of horror passed over her face.
'You can't give up straight away,' she said.
'Why not?'
'Because of smirting.' What on earth?
She elaborated. In her experience in New York, the smoking ban had actually provided the single girl with an opportunity. New Yorkers are nothing if not resourceful. You see, when you're in a bar, you watch until a cute guy goes outside to smoke and you follow him. Basically you find a good-looking smoker, and time your smoking breaks with his. If you're standing outside with a stranger, conversation is easy to start. And as you're both smoking you already have something in common. Genius, apparently.
I wasn't convinced but my friend extolled the virtues of smirting, and told me that lots of single girls she knew had met men that way.
'Have you?' I asked. She shook her head.
'But a friend of mine is engaged and she met her man through smirting.'
'Really?'
'Yes and she didn't really smoke.'
Was it true a woman had pretended to smoke in order to smirt and grab herself a husband? Apparently so. What world did we live in?
Despite the fact that it really sounded like a bad idea; terrible in fact, I decided to give it a go. I wasn't convinced, but when the smoking ban started, before I took my last nicotine filled breath, I was going to smirt.
Night one: We went to the pub next door, because if (as my friend seemed to think), perfecting smirting was a bit of an art-form, I thought it would be a good place to practice. The first problem was that the pub was almost empty. There was one couple, and only one man. I didn't find him remotely attractive, and he was engrossed in a Harry Potter book, but I did notice a packet of cigarettes on the table in front of him. So one of my best friends and I ordered drinks and sat down and waited. It wasn't long. He got up and went outside. I didn't immediately rush after him but sauntered as my friend (who thought smirting sounded as nutty as I did) giggled to herself. I smiled at him as I lit my cigarette; he half-smiled back. Then as I smoked, I tried to think of something to say to him. I remembered my friend saying a seasoned smirter never takes her lighter with her and already felt I had failed. We stood, sheltering from the rain, in silence, before he finished his cigarette and went back in. I followed shortly afterwards feeling really stupid. We had another drink and with no fresh smirting blood in sight, went home.

Night two: We were in a huge bar. Trying to pick a smirting target was next to impossible. In the end, we timed our cigarette breaks with when we wanted them and my friend and I snuck outside. At first the only smokers were women. Were they all waiting to smirt? I didn't like to ask. On the second cigarette break there were men outside but in a group. There were no lone male smokers to pick on at all. And the group of guys were involved in conversation with each other; so for the second time we gave up and stayed inside.

After two failed attempts at smirting, I talked to NY friend about it. She, being quite the expert (having never done it), gave me a list of basic rules.
1. Never have a light, because it's a good opener.
2. If it's cold, shiver seductively, (eh?).
3. Always go on your own, (no competition).
4. It only works if you smoke with the same man more than once.
Do men really fall for this? Are they that easily fooled I asked her. She told me that I was being naive if I didn't think that men were doing exactly the same. Obviously not to me though.

Night three: But another night out and another chance. This time, I was determined, just for research you understand, to try to do it properly. So, we were in a bar and I spotted my target. He was with two other people, a man and a woman. He stood up alone and went to go outside. I followed him, without a light, of course, and asked to borrow one. He smiled and lit my cigarette. He was cute. It had just stopped raining so we discussed the weather. I said something wildly amusing (well a tiny bit funny), and he laughed. All too soon our cigarettes were gone and we had to part company. I went back inside and told my friends that perhaps there was something in this. They looked at me as if I was mad, but when I pointed out the guy, (very subtly), they seemed to agree. On the second cigarette break, I was incredibly clever because I saw him about to reach for his packet and went out first. There were others out there, so I borrowed a light from someone else. He joined me and we chatted as if we were old friends. Well, actually we talked a bit about the ban. Then everyone joined in with their opinions and you know it felt like I was part of a very non-threatening, smoky gang.
I made it to the third cigarette with my new man. Just as I was about to praise my friend for persuading me to smirt, the girl at the table of the guy I was talking to came outside. She gave me a look, and linked her arm through his, kissing him.
I didn't think I'd been obvious, I actually (perhaps foolishly) thought I'd been quite subtle. But I felt that instead of smirting, I'd been smalking. And then I remembered why I had been against the whole idea in the first place. It's calculated, although perhaps not more so than seeing a guy in a bar and trying to chat him up. If I knew the guy had a girlfriend (in the bar they hadn't been sat next to each other), then I wouldn't have targeted him in the first place and I felt really bad. So, when I next spoke to my friend, I told her that she needed a fifth rule for smirting: make sure that the man is single. Oh, she replied, in her world that didn't matter so much. Well in mine, it totally does.

Next Week:Warning: Smirting is bad for your health